Recent Heartbreak

Hours and hours every evening FaceTiming on the couch. Streams of texts, photos, and reels were sent. We played Words with Friends and did a Bible Study on Trust, where we had to write out and explain our answers to the other. We went through a deck of over 250 deep question cards, that I then had to print out even more to answer. Both introverts, with the same love language of ‘words of affirmation,’ with the same sense of humor and both just wanting a cute, simple little life…..

We met on a Christian dating Facebook group with about 7,000 members from all over the US and you could write an intro post about yourself, and people could respond. He was a 39-year-old, single dad to two older boys, a firefighter, and lived in Oklahoma. I thought he was cute and was interested, so I sent him a message. We instantly hit it off and had a lot in common and began sending messages every day. There was a strong connection and deep sharing of our lives. This went on for a few months, as we both had family trips planned and work, before he booked a ten-day trip out to visit me in San Diego.

We shared pictures of our trips and family time and FaceTimed from wine bars and beaches. As a paramedic, he even walked me through the tragic death of my cousin who passed away in a terrible motorcycle accident while I was home and prayed for me and my family members.

He was so intentional from the start and complementary, that it instantly swept me off my feet, hearing how beautiful he thought I was, how he was thinking of me, and how he couldn’t wait to cuddle and kiss me and have coffee with, etc. He openly shared his day, and his work calls with me and I loved it all. I was smitten to hear all my apps going off with things he was sharing with me. (Looking back, maybe it was a little bit of love bombing, but as a woman who felt like she has had to compete or wait for a man’s attention, I gladly welcomed it.)  And we even talked about the future and what that would look like and a cute, popular salon I could work at there; as it would ultimately mean me moving to Oklahoma, since his kids and pension were there.

We both were so excited to finally meet in person and eagerly planned our 1st date, which  would have been at a cozy restaurant on the breathtaking San Diego Harbor. That 1st date never happened.

As I have mentioned before, I struggle with some random autoimmune issues and symptoms. I can go through long periods of time with nothing or hiccup after hiccup. I had started not feeling well two days before his arrival and had the worst abdominal pain, dizziness, low grade fever, and intense shoulder pain that I thought my arm was going to fall off. Learning that shoulder pain could be a sign of internal bleeding, and with my history of ruptured ovarian cysts and internal bleeding, I knew I couldn’t drive to the airport and go on a date and instead needed to go to the ER and be checked out. I was devastated and so mortified! This was not how I was supposed to meet my future husband, in a hospital gown at the hospital! (I’m supposed to be dolled up in heels and a dress with the biggest smile on my face greeting him.)

After contemplating waiting for him to take me when he arrived, I instead had my neighbor take me to the ER. I frantically texted him the “new plan.” He would take an Uber to my home address, key was under the mat, drop off his stuff, and there was an extra set of car keys left and that I drove the red SUV parked out front. I sent him the address to the ER and told him to meet me there, as I had no idea how long I would be or if I would be admitted if I needed blood transfusions.

So, all hopped up on pain meds and adrenaline, I anxiously waited for his arrival to my little “room” at the ER and the nurse picked up on the situation happening, which was embarrassing as she was witnessed our first encounter after talking for months. It was indeed awkward, but I had managed to do my makeup and curl my hair, and I just appreciated him being there at this point. Thankfully I did not have any internal bleeding and my ovaries looked good. They didn’t know why I had a fever and the symptoms, but said take Tylenol, rest, stick to a liquid diet for awhile, and threw some antibiotics in there for good measure. Not the most romantic, but not the end of the world either. And I was free to go.

The next two days were kind of just resting on the couch, but with a totally stocked fridge of his and I’s favorites snacks and foods, and being movie and game lovers, we settled in. Even though I was still under the weather, I was determined to showcase the best of San Diego, since he had never been here and try and turn it all around. And we did a lot. We went to all the fun, trendy restaurants, played mini golf, did an escape room, rode the famous wooden rollercoaster. I bought him a matching floaty and we floated the bay together, hiked the beautiful Torrey Pines hike overlooking the ocean, and took him to my church. (I pushed myself because I wanted him to have fun and hoped he would appreciate that.) He went with me on every neighorhood walk to take my dog out. He was respectful, paid for all the dates, and opened my car doors. He even brought me a hooded sweatshirt from his beach travels that he said matched my eyes and got me a filtered water system hooked up on my sink, so I didn’t have to carry heavy water bottles up my stairs. But somehow we had friendzoned ourselves through the experience and he still hadn’t kissed me yet! But, the foundation of friendship was solid. Our lifestyle, viewpoints, and compatibility were great. I took him to a local gym since he works out almost everyday, shopped for souvenirs for his kids and to got him some “famous” Blenders sunglasses and we even did home facials. He met a good friend of mine and her husband for a double dinner date in Coronado. We celebrated his birthday out here and I took him to breakfast and to a place where we bowled, played shuffleboard, cornhole, and bocce ball. I got him several presents to open in ‘pizza wrapping paper,’ his favorite, and took him to a fancy steak dinner to treat him and show him I cared about him. I wanted him to feel seen and special on his 39th, since we both had expressed feeling left out and alone on our birthdays in the past.

But after 5 days with little affection and no kiss still, we were watching a movie and I kept getting up to either get a drink, or a snack, or use the restroom, so I could come back and plant one on him. After chickening out a few times, I finally did it. It was good, but sadly one of the few times of kissing for us.

The reason we planned so many days visiting here besides a nice vacation and time together, was to figure this out. But after talking when he was here, I thought we agreed it would take me going to Oklahoma to get a full picture….without an ER visit, on his territory to see it all the way though. He saw it differently or changed his mind.

Spoiler alert: I never made it to Oklahoma to check things out. He got back home and broke it off and just said he was sorry and that it was all there on paper, but didn’t know why it didn’t pan out in real life. Whether the chemistry was off for him, we friendzoned ourselves from the start of the visit, he was thrown off by the medical stuff, being the fit and active guy that has only taken Tylenol twice in his life, wasn’t attracted to me in person, or all of the above, he decided to end it, which is devastating. And while I said it’s really hard to find people you are compatible with and I’d rather water my own grass until I know it’s dead, then go out and find greener grass, he didn’t agree. I also stated that a ‘ten day 1st date’ was too long and we underestimated how that would feel without the normal going home, processing, and texting in between dates. I am loyal to a fault at times and will fight for love and people I care about. But I also never want to have to convince someone to be with me either. The nurse who witnessed our first encounter at the ER and thought it would be the cutest meeting story one day, was sadly mistaken.

If you looked at the pictures from this week and a half exploring San Diego, we look like an adorable couple having a blast. In fact, if I saw them on Instagram I would say to myself, “Awe, what a cute couple.” This just goes to show you can never know what goes behind closed doors and to never judge photos you see on social media.

The whole courtship was every emotion and high and low and relationships end everyday, all the time. It’s life. But I really thought it was my time and at my age and with a Halloween birthday, I thought I’d finally not be single this year and “no more tricks, only treats.” Nope. God saw otherwise. And while I don’t want to badmouth him or put him down, there were a few “yellow flags, “but no one is perfect and they weren’t dealbreakers to me. Though his character after breaking up bothered me a little. How you spend hours talking everyday for months, spend 10 days together, but break up with them and just never talk to them or check on them is a little wild to me, especially if they had some health things going on and coming up. I mean how do you just stop caring overnight? How do you give up so easily when it’s a “good match?” How do you just “unfriend” them immediately? Maybe I care too much. Maybe I’m just a girl. But that’s just not necessarily how I roll.

Update: He now has a new girlfriend…and her name is Lindsay!! Sidenote: My on and off again boyfriend of six years married a Lindsay!! Talk about a punch to the gut. As my mom says, it was just a popular name of the times, but my mind sees that they want to be with Lindsay. Just not this Lindsay. It’s a hard pill to swallow. I read that on an MRI, rejection shows up in the same parts of the brain as real physical pain. Maybe that is why I have avoided it so much in my life. Rejection hurts. But no pain, no gain as they say.

Or ‘Rejection is God’s protection.’ God saw things I didn’t and needed to end it now, because I wouldn’t have. So, I have to go on living my life and trusting God with my future and where He is leading me and it’s a scary thing. I have gone on two dates since Ockie boy and no love matches, but God knows where my future husband is and I just have to continue to trust that my love story will unfold…..To be continued