“HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, MOM!” How I long to hear those words. How I dream of a child of my own to love on and watch grow. I have been a nanny for many babies and children, yet have never gotten the chance to have my own. All I wanted out of life was to be a wife and mom. I never dreamt of a career or degree or accolade. Just the love of my own family to cook for, snuggle with, and share laughs with. To do art projects together, build forts, bake cookies, and go on nature walks with. So its pretty upside down feeling, when here I am in my late 30s and still single and barren. Where do I find purpose? How do I keep hope? How do you change your life dreams for yourself? (Insert panic attack here.) It’s like I have to change who I am to adjust to this harsh reality. One that reminds me everyday that I’m alone still. Anyone with me on this? Well you aren’t alone on yet another Mothers’ Day solo.
I am thankful though to be able to wish my absolutely amazing mom a ‘Happy Mother’s Day,” but how I wish I had a 3rd generation to add to that mix.
Being a mom is tough and it doesn’t come without it’s own battle wounds, but what is life for someone who deeply desires motherhood and you are running out of time biologically? (Yes, I could freeze my eggs, but does anyone have an extra $10,000+ to give me and that’s a whole other topic.)
Being a Christian, I have prayed and prayed for a Godly spouse and children my whole life. God hasn’t fulfilled that (yet). I don’t understand why and it’s painful to see others having multiple children and completing their families and I’m much older and still stuck on “START.” Not any closer to my dreams than I was ten years ago. Its so hard and painful. With other goals, like losing weight or getting a degree you can study, cut calories, exercise, take tests and pass and achieve your goal. With being a wife and mom, you can’t do any of that. It’s literally all in God’s hands to create life and bless a marriage. It’s tough feeling like I have zero control of the outcome. I know my dreams and my heart and my desires, but it’s up to God to make me a mom. How so many can take that title for granted and it truly is a blessing. Not just another step to check off the list of being an adult. But, all that being said, I have seen God be faithful in other areas of my life, that I fully trust Him with this very sensitive topic and area of my life. Somedays I may slip and start to doubt and feel like God has forgotten about me, but ultimately I know deep in my soul that God has a good plan for my life and will provide for my heart and dreams in His timing.
What I have learned a long the way though is who I am beyond the labels of “wife” and “mom.” Had I gotten those early in life, I might not have appreciated them as much, nor would I have pushed myself beyond that. I have been forced to. To be my own financial source. To be my own entertainment. To push and grow myself as an individual. To pursue my hair career. To find a deeper faith. To get a dog on my own. To seek more and deeper friendships. To survive in this world as a single woman. That enough is a huge accomplishment. So Happy Women’s Day to you and all you have done thus far on your own!
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12